Stuck in the Muck
I’ve realized I have a process that basically fits every part of my life. I find something I really want to do, dream about it, think about what it would be like, and then set some kind of goal. I’m super excited, energized, and motivated.
But, then something just happens and it’s all a little less exciting. I’m a little less energized. I’m a little less motivated. I’m still creating something but feel stalled. It seems to be a gradual thing so I’m not even aware it’s happening…
Until…. I stop creating, only consume information (learning, researching as an excuse “I can’t do anything else until I know/find/learn this!”), and only focus on tasks that can be done. I’m just sitting still doing busy work, thinking it needs to be done and that it is “part of my process” but really I’m just avoiding something. I’m avoiding some feeling I’m having. Usually anxiety, fear of failure, imposter syndrome, if it’s negative, I’m feeling it. And if I avoid the feeling then I sure don’t have to think about it.
Eventually, avoiding these feelings has worn me out so much that I have no energy or motivation to do anything and all I am doing is telling myself “Take a break. It’s okay because you’re trying”. And this leaves me feeling a little defeated.
“You’re trying” is a lie. Nothing is getting done. Especially if you really aren’t doing anything. If nothing is getting done, then nothing is being tried.
My brain that likes to remind me of what a failure I am then gets louder and it starts it’s whispers of “See. You knew you wouldn’t be able to do it”. “See, you’ll never be good enough.” “See why no one likes you?” and all of those fun thoughts that feel so horrible but I’ve been thinking for so long that I believe them.
And where does that leave me? STUCK IN THE MUCK. No movement, no productive thinking. No creation. No progress. I just sit there unable to move and indulge myself with self-pity.
Eventually I get sick of myself, find some energy, and start back at the top: Energized and motivated about something.
This process sounds fun, doesn’t it? But, like so many things in life…That’s just the way it is.
“That’s just the way it is” is really just another lie we tell ourselves. It gives us an out, an excuse, a reason for not doing something. But, why do we want that? Look at my cycle of being stuck in the muck. Why do I want to feel anything past the task completion stage (that stage does have a purpose, just as long as I keep moving forward and take some action with what I’m learning)?
What if that isn’t just the way it was? If it was just that way, wouldn’t everyone have that same cycle? And if everyone had that same cycle, then nothing would ever get done. Nothing new would ever be created. Or it would all get done at a painfully slow pace.
What if I could prevent feeling defeated, skip the last two phases of this cycle, and detour back to the top after I have completed the task/consuming phase? Or how can I just move through the steps backwards until I’m back at the beginning? How do I not feel defeated? As I wrote about in my last post, we get to choose our own feelings. But first we need to pay attention to the one we are currently feeling.They are telling us something, even the “bad” ones”. And feeling those will help us feel what we want to feel even more intensely.
So, why do I feel defeated? Why am I feeling unmotivated? What am I feeling avoidant? Why am I feeling resistant? Allow that feeling. Acknowledge it. Name it. Take its power away by doing that. “I see you. Thank you for your concern but you’re not needed right now. Your opinion is noted”.
I let myself feel the discomfort for a bit. Finding the thought causing that feeling and asking myself “Why am I choosing to think and feel this way?” and then decide if I want to keep thinking and feeling that way. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I did let myself feel that feeling? Go back to how that feeling feels in my body. That is really the worst thing about feeling that feeling — just a physical sensation in the body, just that discomfort of that physical vibration. That’s not so bad. The lovely part of it all is that I can feel it and not react to it. I don’t have to let it drive any action/inaction at all. I get to notice it, decide I don’t want to feel it and move on.
What if that discomfort is really just a signal letting me know I’m ready to grow? Would I be willing to feel it then knowing that growth is right there on the other side?
I no longer choose to feel defeated and continue with my “Stuck in the muck” cycle. I choose to feel empowered, motivated for what I need to do, I choose to think about my process as “My creativity and motivation cycle”. That includes being aware of all the feelings and discomforts that pop up along the way. They are there to let me know I have a decision to make about where I want to go next. I chose to go back to the top.
