Undateable Me

I know I have a lot of power in my own life that I didn’t realize I had before. And knowing that feels…powerful. However, I have recently realized that some of my power is not what I want. I’m starting to think that I have this power over men. But not all men. Only the ones I like and actually take the risk to talk to, ask out, initiate interactions with, basically any time I try to make something happen for me in the dating realm.

It’s always some version of one of these:

• I match with a guy online. We chat a little and it seems nice and normal and fun. A few days later, I suggest meeting in person. He says “Yes! That would be great!”. We talk about when and where. And then I never hear from him again. Sometimes he deletes the chat, sometimes he just leaves it up but never responds again. Sometimes, he’s a fake profile and gets removed (usually I do notice this before suggesting I meet him, but I’m distrusting enough of dating now to think this is always a realistic possibility).
• Or, we do meet. It’s a nice evening. We’re laughing and talking and things seem to flow easily. The evening ends with a hug, “it’s nice to meet you”, “we should do this again”, etc. And then, I never hear from him again. I’ve waited 3 days to let him text first. I’ve texted and said I’ve had a nice time. He texts me and we chat a little. And then I say something about meeting up again and suddenly it’s “I don’t think this is going to work”, “I don’t think we match up like that”, “Sorry, I’ve just met someone else and I want to see where that is going”, “Oh, I just got out of a relationship and I’m not ready for another one”, or he says nothing at all and just ghosts.

Apparently, me saying “Would you like to meet…” is a magical phrase that suddenly makes men NOT want to meet me, see me, be with me, or choose someone else. My power doesn’t work any other time. Only in ways that keep me single. And only with men who I’m attracted to. Other women can say they want to see a guy again and actually get to see him again. I guess I could look at my streak of not seeing them again as pretty impressive. It’s the most consistent thing I have in my “dating” life.

I’m not all “Poor me” and blaming myself. I know there is nothing wrong with me and I know I’m a pretty great person. So this isn’t me complaining or wallowing or playing the victim. It’s me baffled and curious about the powers we don’t see. It’s just me poking around in my brain, listening to it’s ramblings, and it’s maybe connection to the unseen world.

And I want to say I know there really isn’t some power or curse or something at play, but do we really know???

It’s also not me always picking the same type of guy. There is no one type of guy I’m drawn to. Of course I had my “bad boy” phase but I finally learned that they weren’t going to go anywhere with me. But I’ve matured.

I wish I could remember when this started happening and why it happened. Did I trade my soul and this was the unwanted result? Was I impulsive and didn’t think about the words I chose when I asked for the deal? Am I the fall out of someone else’s deal? Was I cursed? Did I walk through the spell of someone else being cursed and caught a little of it myself?

Or is it all just coincidence and an undesirable result that happens in life?

Either way, it makes it difficult to know whether I should just accept this or keep trying.

Or maybe I’ll just go to yoga.