The Bookmark in my Fantasy

Oh, the unrequited love. The crush from afar. The childhood dreams of what love will be. The childhood heartbreak of what won’t be. We’re told that having a crush is a learning experience, a stage in development, a normal part of adolescence. But not to worry, once you’re well into your teenage years, you will have a RELATIONSHIP and then adult life can start and go on as planned (marriage, baby, happily ever after).

But, that might not be quite how life goes. Maybe there isn’t that teenage relationship that catapults you into adulthood. Maybe there isn’t a marriage. Maybe there isn’t a baby. Maybe there isn’t any of that. But, there will always be that crush, that unrequited love, the one who will never be real no matter how much you want it to be.

There will always be a future I want. There will always be an ideal partner I want. I’m fully aware that ideal sounds impossible, but to me ideal means just perfect for me. Anyway, I have yet to find that person. I have found plenty of crushes. I could be an expert on having crushes. Especially from afar. Don’t ever let them know you like them or, god forbid, that you are human and have emotions.

I have gone on many dates with these crushes, we have traveled, we have fallen in love, we have fallen out of love only to find each other again. All of the things. But only in my mind. My fantasies are places I can be the person I want to be. The ideal me. And the ideal me is the perfect me to everyone. Oh, how I give my ideal partner so much more freedom to be whoever they are compared to what I expect of myself (to be whoever THEY want me to be).

The fantasies are always the same. Maybe somewhat matured over the years, but basically the same. The guy in these fantasies, however, has been many different guys. Real guys. Guys I know but kept far away from any real emotion or idea or chance to really see if what could be could be.

Here is where it gets tricky. I’m a little tired of my crush from afar playing the role in my fantasy. But it’s so easy to turn that movie on in my head and let it play out like it does, with that same guy playing the lead. But only when there is no one else. I have gone on dates and actually liked a few guys and actually had a few dates with a guy and actually wanted more.

And during those times you, my dear crush, don’t show up. I can put you backstage and forget that you are on the list. I get a break. My brain feels like it can breathe and is curious about this new lead in the fantasy. It is fascinating to see how he will play the part.

But, eventually, I realize that he isn’t leading man material for my fantasy. But. dammit how that fantasy with the crush keeps having to be played. Do I replay it because it’s comfortable and something I know? Do I replay it as hope? Whatever the reason, that crush will always step back up and play the role again. Fueling the crush feelings, the “What if this time….?”, keeping the “wanting to see if it could be” will actually happen. But have I over idealized you? Probably. The you in my fantasy isn’t even really the you in real life.

But that fantasy has to keep going. And it needs a bookmark, a placeholder, something to keep the fantasy ready for when the real one shows up and can play the part in real life instead of in the fantasy. And that bookmark is you.