I misjudged you
I misjudged you. Repeatedly. I gave you way more chances than I should have given you. I gave you way more benefit of the doubt than I should have. I didn’t stop to really think about your feelings, your actions, or what you even experienced about what was going on.
This confuses me because I have always thought I had good gut instinct. It’s rarely led me astray in my job. Or when discussing things about concerns my friends have. But when it comes to my personal life, I just ignore it. I turn it off. I get tossed around and disoriented by its own confusion. I have played around with this idea but didn’t want to “give in” and admit that this in fact wasn’t something I was good at. I didn’t want to admit this weakness. As I recently told a friend, if I am not strong, independent, and someone who can always be counted on, then what use am I? I’ve always thought that those are the only characteristics I bring to the table in any relationship.
I think the problem starts when I am presented with possibilities. I spend so much time and create so much drama because I alternate between hope and defeat regularly. I assume whatever is presenting itself as possible won’t work out in my favor because “It never does” but I keep hoping one day, someday, it will work out in my favor. This isn’t to say I haven’t had things work out in my favor. I’m very lucky and privileged that the basics have always been there for me. But for goal life, dream life, reach for the stars life, I feel more defeated.
I meet someone and think “Wow. This is great. This person is fun to hang out with. I really feel comfortable with them and what if…? How fun would it be if..?” and find all the fun fantasies in those scenarios. But then my brain “reminds” me that it won’t matter, so instead, I start creating conversations in my head and play out the conversation when I am told “This isn’t going to work”, “Oh, that’s not what I meant at all”, or they just forget about me, ignore me, only to show up later completely unexpected. I fantasize about all of these scenarios so I can be prepared when they happen and how I will handle them and what I will say. Because this is most definitely how it will all end. And this is the same with friends, coworkers, and intimate relationships. Pretty much anyone I will come in contact with and have the possibility for more contact.
Even though I “prepare” for the defeat, I feel defeated and disappointed every time. Hope is such a bitch. But I also hope that I will never stop hoping. I hope someday I won’t be defeated. I hope someday I don’t assume defeat. I hope someday I don’t have to pretend to always have an amazing gut instinct. I hope someday that I don’t only think the only reason someone will want me in their life is because I’m independent, strong, and can be counted on.
And I hope that someday, I think you are someone I actually want in my life.
And, yes, the “you” I’m talking to is everyone I’ve had any kind of relationship with. Regardless of if/how it ended or it’s still going.
But mostly, the “you” I’m talking about is myself. I’ve misjudged myself. I’ve given myself way too much credit. I’ve also not given myself enough credit. I’ve misjudged what I can do and what I can take on and because of that I have defeated myself. I’ve misjudged just how hard it is to live in between these contradictions every damn day.
I want to hope that I stop contradicting myself, stop misjudging myself, and stop defeating myself.
I want to hope that I allow myself to just be as I am. To just be human. To accept that I can’t be perfect. To accept that I don’t have to always portray myself as strong, independent, and capable.
And with that I hope I stop giving other people free space in my mind, stop giving them more chances than they are even aware of, and stop creating stories of us together that only live out in my brain.
