Be the Goo
I’ve been so tired lately. And it all came together recently. Like it always does. Maybe next time I’ll remember that when I feel this exhausted it’s because my brain is working overtime to learn, figure out, and grow through something.
What I’ve just put together is that my drive for connection is because of my lack of trust. And my lack of trust is because I felt betrayed by someone in my younger years. And I never let myself really feel and process that pain. I was 12 years old. I didn’t know how to do that. So I turned it on myself and instead of dealing with that initial pain, I created more suffering for myself. And all these years later I have realized that I don’t fully trust anyone. Myself included, Myself especially because I don’t trust my ability to trust. So, if I find myself thinking I can trust someone, I become suspicious and then full trust is out the window.
And now I crave connection without knowing how to truly foster it. I know that I have to go way back and talk to 12 year old Emily and help her process that pain.
I got some coaching on this and we talked about how this story of being bullied is such a big part of my identity but maybe it doesn’t have to be. I can just drop that part of the story. I can highlight other parts of me and my story. But, that seems so hard to me. Who am I if I’m not who I have always thought I was? How can I just drop a big part of what made me who I am? Talk about an identity crisis. But, I didn’t disregard this idea. I want to really figure it out because I am tired of this worn out story.
My coach gave the example of the caterpillar and how once it’s in the cocoon it dissolves into a goo and then puts it all back together (somehow. Isn’t nature amazing?!?!) and becomes a butterfly. Maybe this exhaustion that I am feeling is my cocoon time. Maybe I am in my “goo” phase. Maybe my “I was bullied” identity is the caterpillar and it’ll get left behind with the goo and I’ll come out with my new butterfly identity.
So my self-identity is falling apart. And this makes me want to throw up. But, this is actually a good thing. Maybe this is part of my cocoon time. My brain thinks this is an actual survival threat so it’s moving neurochemicals around the body to get ready for fight or flight and that means diverting blood to major muscle groups and in the course of all of this, some chemicals end up in the GI tract and stomach to tell that system to get rid of anything extra because digestion is a waste of blood at this time → nausea. My rational brain knows this isn’t really survival but it is unpleasant, so it gets the anxiety signal and squashes it because it doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable.
However, this time, I choose to not squash the anxiety. I choose to let my brain and body think survival was at risk. I choose to let the anxiety flood my body because I know I can actually handle how that feels. I choose to be the goo. So, I guess I choose to feel the nausea because that is part of it. It sat there in my stomach for a while. I never threw up. I felt uncomfortable the entire time and still do a little bit. Most of the anxiety has gone but I have that drained, endorphin crash feeling as my body balances back out. I know I will feel this all again because breaking down your identity and building up the new one isn’t a quick process. But, this “I’m going to throw up” feeling will just flow through my body faster next time.
Because my brain faced a survival test and lived to write this post about it.
